What do you say to a man lost to the world and even himself?

There is something about writing; it is truthful to say the least. You can not lie to yourself. You can discover so many truths as long as you actually read what you wrote. Sometimes we do not write. I have to admit for myself it has been so long, but there is just so much on my mind that I just do not want to confront. It is my way avoiding myself and the truth. It is my way to hide. How do you fix what is wrong, sometimes it is just too hard. You have so many expectations when you are me. It is a shameful failure when you look at it from another perspective.

What am I talking about? No I am not repeating what you may be thinking. I am admitting to myself a question I have about myself. This is me being truthful. I know it is July and that means next month I will be 26. Man that troubles me. It is like I have thrown my last several years of my life out the window and accomplished nothing. When does it all begin? All through high school you are prepared to begin life at 19 when you are finishing it. But I am 26, and have NOTHING to show. I find this sad indeed. I look at the people in this crappy town and I see myself in 40 years. I see nothing.

What went wrong in my life that I achieved no ambition? What in my life that is holding me back? Everyone always talks about a light at the end of the tunnel, but where is my light. Yeah, perhaps my vision of the world is screwed up. But I like it that way; I love how I see the world. I love how I conceive and perceive it. But that is not my problem. Where is my ambition? Since the age of 10 I have denied all forms of help. I have always wanted to help myself, and yes I became better from it. But it has severely dampened my emotions, and my physical well being.

Some might have said I was a genius growing up, I might get praises for the work I accomplish. I might do some really great things. But what does that mean to me. I never feel good about it. I hate compliments because I feel they are never meant that way. I have trouble connecting to others. Why? I do not fully known, but I guess it was my screwed up life. There is much of my life I will not even admit to myself because I do not want to feel that pain.

At least I did not sink into drugs, alcohol or crime. Yeah I am a bore, I guess… Yeah I have definitely no ambition or interest in anything.

Until I find out what I can do to get my life going I will continually spin out of control.