My Personal Story Part 1

I was told as a young person to keep a diary of my life, because it would help me to deal with the emotional problems within my life. This was over 13 years ago. I am now 25 and looking at my life for the millionth time. Although I’ve ignored it for most of my life I think it is finally time to start that road. Why not here?

I am not a great guy, or was not. I have done many things and blocked out many things in my life. But it is hard to ask for sympathy. Why? Because do I really deserve it. For each pain I have suffered; I have given equal suffering back to it.

The record of my life does not really record anything at all. You could barely fit a photo album with pictures of my life. But, my mom was able to give me some.

I, Michael Christopher Darling, was born Micheal Eugene Pannozzo August 13, 1980 to Eugene and Karen Pannozzo. I weighed 7lbs 5oz and entered this world at 6:53 pm at Scarborough Centenary Hospital in Toronto. The photo album of my life is 80% empty.

My mother was like any other mother, but much more. This is a common cliché amongst many people. But she has always been there for me, even through the horrid times when she wanted to disown me. She is my red hair goddess of protection and love. She is my blood and my shield from being an Italian asshole that so commonly a normal trait in Italian men.

You see, despite my mothers obvious United Kingdom origins; I am also Italian. My father was 100 per cent Italian blood, but I am not sure which part of the country that blood comes from.

My father on the other hand used to love me. From the two pictures I have; I am sitting in his arms smiling and laughing. My father left my mother when I was very young. He not only left but abandoned all love for me. What did I do as a baby to him to deserve that? Everyday I want to call him and ask him, why could he not be a man?

It is hard to accept, but I do not want to think that I was rejected by my own father at the age of two. He never was there for me again. He has his own life now, and is living it without even remembering me. It makes you think what kind of a man he is now.

Everyday I also want to call him, and ask him. But do I have the strength. I know I do, but do I want to hear it. Yes I do, but then why do I not call?

Perhaps tomorrow will be another try, and tomorrow will be another personal post. Because my life story ends here for now.

You think you know who you are. You have no idea.

You think you know who you are. You have no idea.

I have experience racism in my life. As a young boy I was called a wop and spit on. Wop is a derogatory word for an Italian. But what exactly is the meaning behind a word. I learned to control my anger when called it and ignore it. Because that is just what it is, a tool for racism. When I was about ten years old, my second father literally threw my only friend out of the door because he was Pakistani. He continued to holler out hateful words and told him to never come near me again. I lost a good friend that day. I even remember vividly the Rodney King beating back in 1992.

I decided Friday I would purchase Crash, a movie that came out in 2004. This is one of those movies that make you think. Basically several characters from different racial backgrounds collide through the entire movie. While each characters judgment/belief/actions are affected by the different stereotypes about each of those backgrounds that currently plague our modern day society. This only in turn causes problems for each and every one of them.

Crash is not just a movie to entertain, but it is a social earthquake out to open the eyes of the ignorant. No one is safe from racial discrimination or innocent of it within the movie. It is White vs. Black, Black vs. Chinese, White vs. Spanish, Persian vs. Spanish and so on. In life we have to support on each other to survive. But most people ignore that. And that is the reality of our current day world. No one truly sees the real racism in our world. They assume racism and think Ku Klux Klan.

The acting in the movie is powerful, and will make you think. If anyone has not seen this movie then I shake my head because it is powerful and to be honest I almost cried when the little girl was shot at. It is a world of misconceptions and perceptions that we live in.

powerful quotes from the movie

Stop saying soccer!!!!!

The Green Street Hooligans,

I always grew up with a sense of Loyalty to my friends and with the sense to always stand behind them no matter what. I have grown up not even thinking twice about exactly what I have done in that cause. My motto has always been Onore O Morte, which is a horrible way to speak Italian but it makes sense to me. The loose translation is ‘Honour or Death’ and it is what made me lose someone I treasured deeply because of my conflicting choices of honour and loyalty. But that is another tale of sadness and betrayal and the perfect plot of a drama movie.

I just finished watching the Green Street Hooligans starring Elijah Wood.

Basically it follows the story of a boy who was wrongfully expelled from Harvard and follows him as he escapes to Britain where his sister lives. When he gets there he gets mixed up quickly in the world of football and firms. All of the main characters are thrown together in a chaotic mess as even the underground football hoodlumism spins out of control from the people who call it their life.

The movie starts with violence and ends with violence, but all lives are changed. Which I think is great because lessons are learned and characters developed farther than I expected.

What was really nice to see was the clashing of cultures, and how hard it is to be an outsider in another world. The whole movement of Football Firms reminds me of ancient battlefields fought on English soil during medieval times. Even though the time is different, the spirit of battle remains the same.

What also shocked me was the actual power football had over the European culture. Sure I heard news reports and some pictures. But it is more than that; it is a life onto itself. Our hockey is like their Soccer. But the level of excitement in the stadiums is nothing like the hockey arenas. It would be hard to fathom, but I am sure European football is 10 times the money maker than American football. But that is my sheltered life coming through. I always grew up thinking American football was the pinnacle of sports profits. Just imagining something 10 times more popular than American football makes me shiver and shake in fear.

Respect was a major concept discussed in this movie. How much does a reputation affect someone’s life? In the movie it mattered so much to each of the characters in one aspect to another. It started with that theme and ended with it. Do we regard our reputation for more than it is actually worth?

What really struck me from the movie was this quote:
“It isn’t knowing you have your friends back, it is knowing you have theirs.”

I see Dead people...

Well.... not really, but Saturday night I visited the great know all and end all of mystic story telling convention!

No wait it was a Psychic Convention. Too bad they never saw me coming though, else they would be prepared.

I myself an a skeptical person, well to be honest... I really don't buy into that shit. How can you tell my past, present and future through my palm. What if I had extra dry hands that day, or what if I had dirty hands. How could they properly read, or pretend to read. I guess this is just another thing to place faith into. But honestly, what is the point. We live in a world and age, where shit just happens. It has always been that way. So basically I walked around the convention with my beautiful friend Skye Jackson and mingled with the psychics, or in fact get nagged by there promotional attempts at trying to get me to buy into their crap.

I spent 10 dollars and went to two seminars. The ten dollars were put towards this thing that calculated your birthdate, place of birth and name into six page report. AND IT ONLY TOOK 10 MINUTES. Wow, that is service.

Here are some exerpts:

Emotionally you tend to be cool and reserved --some might say cold-- and though you usually appear self-assured and secure what you are really is insecure and unsure about making a commitment. You are picky about who you choose for a partner-- just as you are a perfectionist in everything. You're cautious and can be very critical of those you care for -- and your love of logic over feelings lets you voice those criticisms even if it hurts the ones you love. You feel the need to HELP and are dutiful and Loyal.

You may take the initiative in love when you are bored but you try to be subtle -- and generally prefer to attract than pursue. Emotionally you're very vulnerable and sensitive and have a deep need for intimacy and security and reassurance that you're loved.

This is just an example of what I was given, and although I think it is funny. I just wonder one thing: How in the hell can you tell all of this from my birthdate, birthname and place of birth. this reminds me of that Simpsons episode where homer was tempted by another women. The fortune cookie said he would find happiness with a new love. Moments later it switches to the kitchen and the waiter says they are out of find new love cookies. the cook says to use the stay with your wife ones. This is sooo simillar to what happened to me. I bet you some guy in another part of the world simple mix and matched several templates together and emailed them back to the lady taking the information. but at least it is fast service. And we are a fast service society.

The seminars I went to were: Lucid dreaming, and Tarrot Card demostration.

the first was the tarrot card demostration. the audience picked a card from the deck and she would read them out. Skye got Moon card, supposively it meant big change will happen in her life this year. I got the temperance card, and supposivily i am healthy mentally and physically and in all the other aspects *cough*bullshit*cough* and that I should seek out spirituality. Which will happen when Santa Claus flies on over and gives me a lift to the Easter bunnies house so we can play some pool before doing to the bar to pick up chicks on valentines day. But at least she was interesting to listen to. I wonder if most of what she was saying just came off the top of her head. all you really need to do is look at someone and throw some things together and THEY WILL BUY IT. We as a people are gullable.

The next seminar was Michael "Telstarr" and his exceptionally boring, please hand me a hand gun and end my misery, speech on Lucid dreaming. My only thoughts on it was, whatever drugs he was doing or was on at the time convinced me I want those same drugs. All I remember from that guy was "look at your hands and you will know you're not dreaming"

Excuse me all for a moment, i will write again, I gotta look at my hands now!